【FML】Fuck My Life

【FML】Fuck My Life
发表于 2011年9月22日 由 天使
最近在有些论坛上经常会流传这么一个缩写FML,可能很多人还不知道这到底是个什么意思是什么英文单词的缩写。其实FML的意思是Fuck My Life,翻译成中文就是我操蛋的人生,通俗的说法就是中文的我操。其实起因是因为国外有个类似中国分享秘密的网站,上面都是网友写的自己生活中遇到的糗事或者操蛋的事情。现在给大家精选一些让大家一起乐乐!

Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

今天,我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ石更了,而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师走了过来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。FML

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

今天,我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。FML

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

今天,我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去,我带着狗出去遛了遛。我回来的时候正巧碰见她出来,手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。FML

Today, this really attractive woman that I’ve known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she’ll have sex with me. I’m confined to a wheelchair. FML

今天,一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说,如果我能站着和她做,她就和我做。我残疾坐轮椅。FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed “Yes Brittany!” at the top of his lungs. My name’s not Brittany. That’s his sister. FML

今天,我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候,他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了Brittany!!”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type ‘virginia’ into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for ‘virgin boy assholes’. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I’m a young guy. FML

今天,我老板叫我去他的办公室,要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候,网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过的词条——“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some big news. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face full of food, he broke up with me and said he’d re-enlisted into the marines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i’m 9 weeks pregnant. FML

今天,我让我男朋友来我家吃饭因为我有个大消息要告诉他。他说他也有个大消息要告诉我。在他吃得差不多的时候,他说要和我分手因为他两个星期以后就要去海军陆战队报道了。我准备告诉他我已经怀孕9个星期了。FML

Today, I found out that I’m pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

今天,我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间,所以我等不及要把这个好消息告诉他。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时,我看到他和一个男的在亲热。FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen. FML

今天,我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时,她立马大喊道:“我赢喽!!”她今年才13。FML

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

今天,我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说,他和我在一起的时候能硬起来,是因为我长得比较爷们。FML

Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said “I’m pretending to be mommy from last night.” I was on a business trip last night. FML

今天,我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的、听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的声音。当我问她你在干嘛的时候她说“我在学我妈咪昨晚的声音”。我昨晚出差。FML

Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML

今天,我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前,我跟着她来到了她老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友,家庭和一份很好的工作,就是为了和她一起住。现在我TMD在一个马场铲马粪。FML

Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while having sex. FML

今天,我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候,他们告诉我说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she’s looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I’m going to medical school. FML

今天,我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠的未来的经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就读了。FML

Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn’t a good enough male role model because i’d misbehaved. i told her he had died of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, and that i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually did die. FML

今天,我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告诉她我爸在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁,没人性,不害臊,然后把我留校了。我爸是真的死了。FML

Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML

今天,我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候,我意识到我的父母的姓其实是一样的。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合,结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系。FML

Today, I bit my boyfriend’s neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

今天,我咬了一下我男友的脖子。我感觉到什么东西流到了我嘴里。结果我发现我是把他脖子上的一个大痘子咬破了。掉进了我嘴里。FML

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, “soon, this will be plump with my seed.” FML

今天,我第一次和这个男生出去约会。我们去了星巴克,聊着天,很愉快。突然,他把他的手放到我肚子上说:“不久之后,这里就会被我的种子灌满”。FML

Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered “ooh this is so romantic.” He blurted out shocked, “Oh.you’re awake?!” FML

今天,我打算打个盹。我男朋友给了我一些安眠药但是我最后没决定吃。我迷迷糊糊地醒来的时候发现他在亲我的脖子,解开我的衬衫。我闭着眼睛低语道:“嗯……真是浪漫。”他震惊道:“啊。你醒着呢?!”FML

Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn’t sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

今天,我做公车去上班,后来旁边坐着个慈祥的老奶奶。公车到一半的时候,她睡着了,脑袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了做个好青年,我在我的车站到之前才轻轻地打算弄醒她。实际上,这一路上她根本没在睡觉。也就是说,我让一个死人在我身上躺了30分钟。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

今天,我男友和我决定在他的家里OOXX。我们到了以后,他先去看信箱里面有没有信,然后就发现他订购的Wii的游戏到货了。他把我送回了家因为他更想玩游戏。FML

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

今天,我拜托我父母帮我报名加入军队。结果他们问我的是如果我死了,政府能补贴多少钱。FML

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hear my girlfriend’s voice call from the background: “Baby, who’s there?” FML

今天,拿着鲜花和晚餐,打算给我认识了两年的女友一个惊喜。我敲了敲她公寓的们——然后一个英俊的年轻男人打开了门。我以为我敲错了门,道了歉转身准备离开的时候,我听到了我女朋友的声音——“宝贝,门口的是谁?”FML

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, “April Fool’s!” It’s March 19th. FML

今天,我打算给我上大学的男友一个惊喜。我走进了他的宿舍,发现他和另一个女的躺在床上。他看见了我,说了句:“愚人节快乐!”那天是3月19号。FML

Today, my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic cause i’ve dropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that i wasn’t anorexic. They jokingly asked “Do you have cancer or something?” All i could do was stare at my feet. That wasn’t exactly how i wanted them to find out. FML

今天,我的朋友怀疑我得了厌食症因为我最近掉了很多秤。我对他们发誓说我没得厌食症。他们开玩笑说:“那你是得了癌症什么的吗?”我除了盯着我的脚不知道以外不知道该如何反应——我并没指望他们以这种形式发现我得了癌症。FML

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. “I-I-I MISS HIM!” She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

今天,我在用手指X女友。她在高潮顶点的时候突然哭了起来。我问她发生了什么事,她回答说:“我——我——我——我想他!!”她是为了她的前男友在哭。我当时还在她体内。FML

Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I’m gay. When I was typing the email address in the “to:” field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: “you filthy faggot”. FML

今天,我发了封邮件给我最好的朋友,告诉他我是同志。当我在输入“发送到:”那一栏的时候,系统给我自动更正成了我妈的邮件地址。她只回复了一句:“你这肮脏的蛆虫。”FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn’t. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn’t joking. He was done. FML

今天,我男友和我决定*做的事。我是CN,他不是。30秒以后,他倒在了我的身上。我以为他在开玩笑,就笑了几声。他没在开玩笑。他干完了。FML

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

今天,我卫生棉在我的泳装旁边露出了一点点。我男友以为那是我比基尼多余的线头。于是乎他在大庭广众之下把我的卫生棉拉了出来。FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying “U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo”. FML

今天,我给我6个月的男友发了条短信说我很想要,而且我躺在床上光着身子。他回了封信说:“你长了手指头,用它们,我去睡觉了亲爱的”。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, “what do I do now?” FML

今天,我男友和我第一次OOXX。在等待了非常长的一段时间之后,他终于进来了。这时他停了下来,问道——“好了,现在我该怎么办?”FML

Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It’s my mom’s 4th wedding. I’m getting replaced by our dog. FML

今天,我接到电话说我不再是6月份婚礼的伴娘了。那婚礼是我妈的第四次婚礼。当她伴娘的将会是我家的狗。FML

Today, I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited, I showed my dad who just laughed and said ‘what, it’s not like it’s Harvard’. No one in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn’t even graduate from high school. FML

今天,我打开了邮箱发现我被布朗大学(美国常春藤盟校之一)录取了。我兴奋地告诉了我爸,他笑笑说:“啥啊,又不是哈佛。”我家里人除了我没人上过大学。我爸甚至高中都没毕业。FML

Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. “Tonight’s the night,” my boyfriend says. “I’m finally going to tell her I love her!” I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, “Awesome! But what about Kayla?” I’m Kayla. FML

今天,我听到了我交往3个月的男友和他的朋友聊天,它们不知道我能听到他们。“就是今晚了”,我男友说,“我要告诉她,我爱她!!”我非常兴奋,感觉我也非常爱他。然后他的朋友就说:“太好了。可是,凯拉怎么办?”我就是凯拉。FML

Today, it’s my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee for the past three months. The third was the dentist’s office singing me a happy birthday. FML

今天是我生日。我一整天只接到三个电话。第一个是我的未婚夫,说他要把订婚戒指拿回去。第二个是我最好的朋友,向我坦白说过去三个月来她一直和我的未婚夫行为不轨。第三个是我牙医的办公室,给我唱《祝你生日快乐》。FML

Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, “F*** you, Jackson. Don’t f*** with me.” I’m Tyler, Jackson is my co-worker. FML

今天,下班以后,我去停车场准备开车回家。我发现我的车的门被划伤得很厉害,我所有的车胎都被扎了。挡风玻璃上留着一张字条写着:“草NM,杰克逊。别耍老子。”我是泰勒。杰克逊是我同事。FML

Today, I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. When she hung up I asked what had happened. She said they found a sexually transmitted disease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me a slut. I’m 14, and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tells me she was joking. FML

今天,我回到家,我妈在给医生挂电话。我问她怎么了。她说医生在我的血检里面发现了一种性病,然后她说我是个婊子。我14岁而且还是处。大哭了5分钟以后,她告诉我说她只是在开玩笑。FML

Today, my son looked out of the window and said “what’s that piece of shit doing on our driveway?” It was the new car we were trying to surprise him with on his 16th birthday. FML

今天,我儿子望向窗户以外问道:“在车库门前停着的那坨垃圾是毛?”那是我打算送给他的,他16岁生日的新车。FML

Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to f*** myself. I told her to watch her language or else I’d tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came up to me and told me to f*** myself as well. FML

今天,一个7岁的陌生小女孩突然走向我,跟我说“滚泥马。”我告诉她注意自己的口气,否则我就告诉她父母。她妈妈就在附近,而且她恰好听到了了我们的对话。于是她突然走向了也我跟我说了句“滚泥马”。FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was “Can’t, Platinum just came out.” I didn’t know what that meant so I searched “Platinum 3-22-2009” on Google. I found out he’s talking about a new Pokemon game. FML

今天,我发短信给我的男友,问他到底想不想今天来亲热。他的回复是“不行,白金今天出。”我一开始没听懂,于是我去搜索了一下“白金,2009年3月22号”。结果我发现他是在说最新的口袋妖怪游戏。FML

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

今天,我人生的第一次——让一个女人看到了我的JJ。我30了。那女的是我的医生。她打了个鼾来盖住她的大笑声,然后道了道歉。FML

Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they’d remember and we’d have cake at night. I came home and there was cake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during the day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was more important. FML

今天,我18岁了。早餐的时候没人吱一声,但是我想他们会记住,晚上我就有蛋糕吃了。我晚上回家看到了一个蛋糕——但是不是给我的。他们是在庆祝我的妹妹第一次月经来潮。很明显,他们认为一次生理反应比我的18岁生日更重要。FML

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family’s new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom’s walk-in closet. FML

今天,我看到了我家新房子的图纸。我的屋子是旁边那个屋子大小的一半。“那个屋子”是我继母的大衣橱。FML

Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML

今天,我感觉有点病了,呼吸很不舒畅。我决定打个盹,嘴巴大张着因为呼吸很困难。我醒来的时候,发现我男友试图把他的那个放到我嘴里。FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going “shit, shit!”. Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted “I forgot to set my TiVO!” FML

今天,我在和我男朋友OOXX。突然,他从我身上跳下来,大喊:“该死,该死!”我很着急,问他怎么了。他大吼:“我忘了设定TiVO了!”(一种电视录像装置). FML

Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML

今天,我第一次去看我女朋友的父母。我第一次不小心开过头了,但是看到了他们全家在外面等我。我调了个头,然后就听到了砰的一声。他们全家的人看着我压扁了他们的狗。FML

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